"It is the fact that there can be true sweetness in the midst of some of our deepest human pain that is so amazing. It may hurt so bad. But it can also hurt so good." -The Sweet Side of Suffering
I recently took a trip to the local Barns & Noble in desperate need of a Christian book to help guide me out of my sadness and into "better" days. Wondering through the Christian Life section like a lost puppy dog, I finally gave up trying to find the perfect book and asked a manager if she could recommend any books about getting over a breakup. Almost instantaneously, she pointed me in the direction where I could have first pointed myself; "self-help and psychology". I let her do her job and show me books like "The Seven Steps to Getting Over a Broken Heart" or "How to Help Yourself Achieve Happiness".
Although the temptation was great to buy a book written by some successful psychologist who probably had some great advice, I knew it wasn't what I needed. I thanked her for her help, (realizing she couldn't really help me at all) and started walking toward the door when something caught my eye.
The title was striking, but intriguing to me, so I picked it up out of curiosity and began to skim the back of the book. The Sweet Side of Suffering: Recognizing God's Best When Facing Life's Worst.
It was like the Lord had hand picked the book especially for me.
When I got home later on that night, I opened the book and didn't close it until nearly 2 hours and dozens of highlighted quotes later.
M. Esther Lovejoy, the author of The Sweet Side of Suffering, wrote a chapter called "The Sweetness of His Care". In this chapter she talks about all of the different ways that the Lord has provided for her over the years - some of the most astounding words I have ever read.
In one such story, Lovejoy mentions how the Lord provided for her even when she did not think she needed it. You see, she used to be a pastor's wife and was recently divorced, living alone and receiving a small check from her ex-husband and working on the side. She was doing well for herself, had a dependable job and a stable income. Then one day she got a check for a substantial amount of money from a friend . . . and a few weeks later she caught mononucleosis and was laid off at work.
There was another one I read about how she had little money to buy new things, even things like towels. Her and her husband were hosting a pastor to stay at their house while he did missions work in the area. The thread-bare towels her family had used were good enough for them,
but she thought it was quite embarrassing to offer them to a guest. So a few days before the pastor was supposed to come to their home, she asked the Lord to provide for her need, whispering to Him that yellow towels were her heart's desire. The very next day in church Lovejoy was handed a bag full of brand new towels by an elderly lady. Not only were they new, but they were yellow!
It's stories like these and many more that had me in tears while reading about the sweetness of the Lord's care in this lady's life. Mostly because it was just straight up amazing to see the miracles of the Lord and to watch Him answer prayer, but also because it amazed me how intimate of a relationship this lady had with Him. She asked the Lord for things that I feel like I could never ask Him for- things like yellow towels and something to brighten a gloomy day. This lady had faith in her God, and she trusted that her God could and would take care of her.
Sometimes as Christians I feel like we act like the Lord cannot be summoned, like He cannot be bothered for things that we often desire, and truly need. Like the Lord is only to be praised, not to be used as an ATM. However this is not the case at all.
The sweetness of our God is something that is priceless. It's always there, but we seldom recognize it. I didn't understand this intimacy with the Lord until recently when I gave up trying to understand why! Why God allows what He allows. Why God seems to leave me all alone. Why His will is so difficult to understand. And then in the midst of my suffering, my small insecurities that I am so fearful of, in the times of brokenness and hurting, I began to see the sweet side to my suffering; I saw the Lord's compassion and a picture that is much bigger than myself.
When you're at your worst, it is the smallest blessings that can change your attitude. It's having a friend ask you to lunch, or a random person telling you you're beautiful. It's the ability to eat . . . at all. Enjoying a conversation with a stranger. An unplanned night of fellowship.
But sometimes, and these are the times that are the hardest, sometimes there are the times when the Lord just wants you to be alone. And it is in these times when I have seen the Lord in my suffering. When I have questioned His goodness and begged for His grace. When I have cried over a loss, but have realized how much I have gained. When I have prayed for a mustard seed and have been given a mountain. When my faith is weak, but His power is strong.
If it had not been for these times . . . for these precious times of grieving, there would not be growth, nor intimacy. I could not be able to see the Lord's comfort and His sovereignty in my life.
Oh the sweet side of suffering. "Because of His love, WE ARE NOT CONSUMED! For His compassion never fails!" Lamentations 3:22. Because of His love we are not consumed by the fire, by the hurting and the pain. Because of Jesus' love, we cannot be torn down by the evil in this world. We are not consumed by grief, but broken for a purpose. Broken to be built back up and put together again. Everything that goes up must come down, and the sunshine has to come out after it rains. We will not grieve forever, and the pain will subside. And when it does, we may know that we have been fixed by the Lord, and we are closer to being made whole. That our suffering was not done in vain.
"Come, let us return to the Lord; for He has torn us that He may heal us! He has struck us down that he may bind us up!" Hosea 6:1
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Counting It Joy
In high school when I used to come home on a Saturday morning with the stench of Vodka still on my tongue and the evidence of spilled beer on my shoes clearly still hungover from the night before, my mother used to say to me, "What I don't know won't hurt me".
And when I fell in love for the very first time and I gave everything I had to the boy that I was sure I was going to marry, my father said to me, "Be careful not to give too much away, and guard that heart of yours".
I believe the biggest downfall but my biggest advantage is that I have in life is trying everything out by myself. I have to figure it out on my own without ever following the rules. Heck, I don't even read the rules. I'm that girl who puts all of her "eggs in one basket" and falls too hard for something that never caught me in the first place. For lack of a better term, I'm naive. I haven't lived long enough to be able to say that I am an adult. I know so little about life that I haven't even scratched the surface of living.
Do you ever have those "AHA!" moments when the light bulb finally turns on? Or those days when something your parents said years ago just clicks all of a sudden? And then when it clicks you want to kick yourself in the butt for not understanding or living by it sooner? Like you wish you could take back what you did to avoid the pain that you inevitably will run into down the road?
"What I don't know won't hurt me" isn't a completely true statement. Before I fell in love, I didn't know what it was like. I didn't know what love was, so it was scary. It was terrifying and nail biting all at the same time, and I remember trying to fight it with every nerve I had. I was scared to fall in love because I was scared to lose it. I remember hating myself for falling for someone so quickly. He was so genuine and real. We could talk for hours, 3, 4, 5 at a time . . . about nothing. He was tenderhearted, and compassionate; the little boy inside of him was still very much alive. There wasn't a reason in the world I could think of that hindered me from considering him as a candidate for marriage- well except maybe one. I was only 17. But that didn't matter. He was my whole world, and even more than that, he was my best friend, and my better half- the one who saw the good in me. It wasn't hard to fall for such a catch as him. Before I knew it, I was reeled in by his charm and his wit, his apparent love for the Lord.
So there I was, 17 and already married in my head. Smitten and living in a place far better than the dreams that I once had. I gave him everything. Probably not at once, but after investing about 3 years and a sixth of my little life into the man that was invincible to me, you can guess that he knew me better than I knew myself. And that's what I regret. I regret not holding on to the sacred part of me that he never deserved in the first place. I didn't belong to him. What I didn't know, did hurt me. It hurt me exactly 2 and a half years after he told me those three little words that I thought he would tell me until the day I died. How embarrassing. How terrifying it is to be haunted by your own worst nightmare and to tell yourself , "I told you so".
Until now, I never understood why keeping your heart to yourself is a crucial part of love- I'm not talking about sex either. I'm talking about something so much deeper than sex- I'm talking about emotional security.
Sometimes we're stubborn. Sometimes we insist on doing it the way "I want to do it". Sometimes, "I" am greater than Him. We never even bother to listen to the grown-ups who know so much more than we do! We are so stuck in our ways that no ones advice or input matters. Life is butterflies and rainbows, galloping on horses through green meadows, when all of a sudden the rainbow fades away and the green meadows just aren't green anymore. A thousand curve balls hit you right between the eyes and you're all alone, heartbroken and shattered. And no one understands how you feel . . . no one but your parents who were once heartbroken and once taken by surprise many years ago . . . and then they found each other.
You see my friends, when life is shocking and rudely interrupts you're fairytale, you can either choose to take it by the horns and get back on the saddle, or sit in a puddle of your own sweat, blood and tears. We can choose to trust that God has it. Or that He doesn't know what He's doing. We can choose. We can choose to hold tight to the truths that our parents diligently taught us while growing up and cling ever so tightly to the promises of God or throw away our dignity and let the enemy win.
While in our times of sadness, those broken times of grieving, of insecurity and weakness, the true Christian can sleep at night because he rests in the promises of God. The true Christian will run into the arms of Jesus with a hopeful future. And when he does this, the true Christian is held up and supported by the Lord's amazing love and power.
What is this life. It is but a vapor. The Lord is good and His mercy endures forever.
"Count it all joy when you meet trials of various kinds; for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing. Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial for when he has stood the test, he will receive the Crown of Life which God has promised to those who love Him."
James 1: 2-3, 12
And when I fell in love for the very first time and I gave everything I had to the boy that I was sure I was going to marry, my father said to me, "Be careful not to give too much away, and guard that heart of yours".
I believe the biggest downfall but my biggest advantage is that I have in life is trying everything out by myself. I have to figure it out on my own without ever following the rules. Heck, I don't even read the rules. I'm that girl who puts all of her "eggs in one basket" and falls too hard for something that never caught me in the first place. For lack of a better term, I'm naive. I haven't lived long enough to be able to say that I am an adult. I know so little about life that I haven't even scratched the surface of living.
Do you ever have those "AHA!" moments when the light bulb finally turns on? Or those days when something your parents said years ago just clicks all of a sudden? And then when it clicks you want to kick yourself in the butt for not understanding or living by it sooner? Like you wish you could take back what you did to avoid the pain that you inevitably will run into down the road?
"What I don't know won't hurt me" isn't a completely true statement. Before I fell in love, I didn't know what it was like. I didn't know what love was, so it was scary. It was terrifying and nail biting all at the same time, and I remember trying to fight it with every nerve I had. I was scared to fall in love because I was scared to lose it. I remember hating myself for falling for someone so quickly. He was so genuine and real. We could talk for hours, 3, 4, 5 at a time . . . about nothing. He was tenderhearted, and compassionate; the little boy inside of him was still very much alive. There wasn't a reason in the world I could think of that hindered me from considering him as a candidate for marriage- well except maybe one. I was only 17. But that didn't matter. He was my whole world, and even more than that, he was my best friend, and my better half- the one who saw the good in me. It wasn't hard to fall for such a catch as him. Before I knew it, I was reeled in by his charm and his wit, his apparent love for the Lord.
So there I was, 17 and already married in my head. Smitten and living in a place far better than the dreams that I once had. I gave him everything. Probably not at once, but after investing about 3 years and a sixth of my little life into the man that was invincible to me, you can guess that he knew me better than I knew myself. And that's what I regret. I regret not holding on to the sacred part of me that he never deserved in the first place. I didn't belong to him. What I didn't know, did hurt me. It hurt me exactly 2 and a half years after he told me those three little words that I thought he would tell me until the day I died. How embarrassing. How terrifying it is to be haunted by your own worst nightmare and to tell yourself , "I told you so".
Until now, I never understood why keeping your heart to yourself is a crucial part of love- I'm not talking about sex either. I'm talking about something so much deeper than sex- I'm talking about emotional security.
Sometimes we're stubborn. Sometimes we insist on doing it the way "I want to do it". Sometimes, "I" am greater than Him. We never even bother to listen to the grown-ups who know so much more than we do! We are so stuck in our ways that no ones advice or input matters. Life is butterflies and rainbows, galloping on horses through green meadows, when all of a sudden the rainbow fades away and the green meadows just aren't green anymore. A thousand curve balls hit you right between the eyes and you're all alone, heartbroken and shattered. And no one understands how you feel . . . no one but your parents who were once heartbroken and once taken by surprise many years ago . . . and then they found each other.
You see my friends, when life is shocking and rudely interrupts you're fairytale, you can either choose to take it by the horns and get back on the saddle, or sit in a puddle of your own sweat, blood and tears. We can choose to trust that God has it. Or that He doesn't know what He's doing. We can choose. We can choose to hold tight to the truths that our parents diligently taught us while growing up and cling ever so tightly to the promises of God or throw away our dignity and let the enemy win.
While in our times of sadness, those broken times of grieving, of insecurity and weakness, the true Christian can sleep at night because he rests in the promises of God. The true Christian will run into the arms of Jesus with a hopeful future. And when he does this, the true Christian is held up and supported by the Lord's amazing love and power.
What is this life. It is but a vapor. The Lord is good and His mercy endures forever.
"Count it all joy when you meet trials of various kinds; for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing. Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial for when he has stood the test, he will receive the Crown of Life which God has promised to those who love Him."
James 1: 2-3, 12
Monday, March 11, 2013
That Somebody is You
Time keeps on passing by so slowly
My heart is still wishin' it wasn't lonely
But you're not sure, you're insecure and there are some things we can't change
And my sad voice can't seem to find the song that it once sang
I'm still all alone in the this hotel
Writing a breakup song
And you're still alone in some small town
Just thinking what went wrong.
And I've forgotten how to be myself
I've forgotten who I was
But the only things I can recall
are the memories of us
And I'm tired of losing sleep over the words that you once said
it's time I start remembering myself again instead
Time drags along like the rain before the sun
Like the dawning of a new day
Like a horse that wants to run
One day I'll move on I guess
And I'll meet somebody new
But in my mind I'll always wish
That somebody is you.
Sad are the days ahead of me if you never leave my dreams
Blind have I been in times before, but I don't really want to see
Because if seeing is believing
That you're not coming back
I'd rather hide and seek and keep my heart
Than have it broke again.
And I've forgotten how to be myself
I've forgotten who I was
But the only things I can recall
are memories of us
And I'm tired of losing sleep over the words that you once said
it's time I start remembering myself again instead.
My heart is still wishin' it wasn't lonely
But you're not sure, you're insecure and there are some things we can't change
And my sad voice can't seem to find the song that it once sang
I'm still all alone in the this hotel
Writing a breakup song
And you're still alone in some small town
Just thinking what went wrong.
And I've forgotten how to be myself
I've forgotten who I was
But the only things I can recall
are the memories of us
And I'm tired of losing sleep over the words that you once said
it's time I start remembering myself again instead
Time drags along like the rain before the sun
Like the dawning of a new day
Like a horse that wants to run
One day I'll move on I guess
And I'll meet somebody new
But in my mind I'll always wish
That somebody is you.
Sad are the days ahead of me if you never leave my dreams
Blind have I been in times before, but I don't really want to see
Because if seeing is believing
That you're not coming back
I'd rather hide and seek and keep my heart
Than have it broke again.
And I've forgotten how to be myself
I've forgotten who I was
But the only things I can recall
are memories of us
And I'm tired of losing sleep over the words that you once said
it's time I start remembering myself again instead.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Bald & Beautiful
There's a reason why girls generally have longer hair and guys generally have short hair. In this day and age, women who have hair shorter than their ears are considered either lesbians, or cancer patients. Point being in this society is, if you're a straight, healthy woman, you have no business having hair that is cut like "a boy's". Another reason we women don't usually just butch our hair, is because it literally acts as our security blanket. We worship it- we brush our hair on a daily basis, spend ridiculous amounts of money on promising shampoos and conditioners, we dye it all kinds of colors, we stick silly things in our hair like head bands,and barrettes and shiny things, and worst of all, we spend hours in front of the mirror making it look perfect. And some of us. . .and we know who we are . . . we let a boy determine the way we wear it.
So why did I let a clueless, young, inexperienced hair dresser turn me into my worst nightmare of looking like a 12 year old boy who hasn't gone through puberty yet? Well the truth is- I didn't. I didn't want to look like a lesbian, and I really didn't want the last little bit of confidence I had literally stripped from me. But accidents happen, and I think it happened for a reason.
When something is so precious to you, so valuable to you, so cherished by you, you start to place your security in it. And as soon as it's gone, life isn't real, it isn't pretty, and it hurts.
For two days I could not look at myself in the mirror, and something that had been so valuable to me before, was now all gone and there was nothing I could do to get it back. I had to come to terms with reality whether I liked it or not.
Last night I stood in front of the mirror and had to tell myself out loud for 15 minutes that "I am a beautiful creation of God". Sidetrack. . .shout out to Audrey Ralon for having to say that to me everyday in Evangelism class freshman year. Haha. Good times.
In a weird way, the Lord answered my prayers when I asked Him to show me the idols of my heart. I loved my hair!And if I'm being completely honest with myself, I put my identity in my appearance, in the hair on my head, instead of in the Lord.
And so, after coming to terms with my outward appearance, I gathered all the courage I had left, stuck it under my arm and got on a plane and flew back home to Liberty. While sitting on the plane, I wrestled with God about whether or not to tell the man next to me about Jesus. Finally about half way through the flight, miserable and sad about both of the shocking things that I lost this weekend, I decided to go out of my comfort zone and begin a conversation with a perfect stranger. Heck, I was already out of my comfort zone, what else did I have to lose? What was one more person denying me of attention?
"So are you from Michigan?" I asked him. Michael had just graduated from high school a year ago, and was training to be in the U.S. Marine Corps. He was headed to Georgia for basic training. He asked me where I was in my life, and I told him I am a video broadcasting major and I want to be an anchor someday.
Those next few words out of his mouth were shocking and wonderful all at the same time.
"You are a very beautiful, young woman," he said.
I almost lost it right there in my seat. I could feel the tears beginning to flood in my eyes.
Somewhere between him telling me to re-find my confidence and me telling him about what the Lord had put me through recently, I began to feel a peace rising up inside of me. I began to finally feel beautiful again. Bald, but beautiful. Heartbroken, but comforted. And I knew why the Lord told me to talk to Michael in the first place: to bring me comfort. I told Michael I would pray for him, and he told me to never forget what he'd said.
The Lord can be pesty sometimes. Especially when you don't get the lesson he is trying to teach you in the first place.
So here I am. Instead of broken and bald, I have decided to be single and beautiful. Beautiful in my own skin, and unmasked for the first time in forever. Unrestrained by a full head of hair. So take that world, I'm going to conquer you!
Accidents happen. But NOTHING ever takes THE LORD by surprise! The Lord is good. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He brings peace to the brokenhearted and restores the sorrowful. What an amazing God we serve!
"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." ~ Luke 12:7
When something is so precious to you, so valuable to you, so cherished by you, you start to place your security in it. And as soon as it's gone, life isn't real, it isn't pretty, and it hurts.
For two days I could not look at myself in the mirror, and something that had been so valuable to me before, was now all gone and there was nothing I could do to get it back. I had to come to terms with reality whether I liked it or not.
Last night I stood in front of the mirror and had to tell myself out loud for 15 minutes that "I am a beautiful creation of God". Sidetrack. . .shout out to Audrey Ralon for having to say that to me everyday in Evangelism class freshman year. Haha. Good times.
In a weird way, the Lord answered my prayers when I asked Him to show me the idols of my heart. I loved my hair!And if I'm being completely honest with myself, I put my identity in my appearance, in the hair on my head, instead of in the Lord.
And so, after coming to terms with my outward appearance, I gathered all the courage I had left, stuck it under my arm and got on a plane and flew back home to Liberty. While sitting on the plane, I wrestled with God about whether or not to tell the man next to me about Jesus. Finally about half way through the flight, miserable and sad about both of the shocking things that I lost this weekend, I decided to go out of my comfort zone and begin a conversation with a perfect stranger. Heck, I was already out of my comfort zone, what else did I have to lose? What was one more person denying me of attention?
"So are you from Michigan?" I asked him. Michael had just graduated from high school a year ago, and was training to be in the U.S. Marine Corps. He was headed to Georgia for basic training. He asked me where I was in my life, and I told him I am a video broadcasting major and I want to be an anchor someday.
Those next few words out of his mouth were shocking and wonderful all at the same time.
"You are a very beautiful, young woman," he said.
I almost lost it right there in my seat. I could feel the tears beginning to flood in my eyes.
Somewhere between him telling me to re-find my confidence and me telling him about what the Lord had put me through recently, I began to feel a peace rising up inside of me. I began to finally feel beautiful again. Bald, but beautiful. Heartbroken, but comforted. And I knew why the Lord told me to talk to Michael in the first place: to bring me comfort. I told Michael I would pray for him, and he told me to never forget what he'd said.
The Lord can be pesty sometimes. Especially when you don't get the lesson he is trying to teach you in the first place.
So here I am. Instead of broken and bald, I have decided to be single and beautiful. Beautiful in my own skin, and unmasked for the first time in forever. Unrestrained by a full head of hair. So take that world, I'm going to conquer you!
Accidents happen. But NOTHING ever takes THE LORD by surprise! The Lord is good. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He brings peace to the brokenhearted and restores the sorrowful. What an amazing God we serve!
"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." ~ Luke 12:7
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