Awake My Soul

If this was a test, I failed. If this was a storm, I got swept up in the eye of it. If the reason I’m wavering is because I chose not to trust You, I’m sorry.

I failed.

For most of my adult life, I have struggled with acute depression, and I suppose with a lot of self-research and fact finding, over the past couple of years, I have diagnosed myself. 

I can probably guess what most of you are thinking. Depression isn’t real. It is something that people blame to avoid the consequences of their actions- or depression is a bullcrap psychological excuse for not being able to control your emotions. Depression is only really a problem when it becomes life-threatening.

However, the cold, hard facts are that every day, over 2,000 people commit suicide because of depression. Thousands are embarrassed to admit they have it, and many more don’t even know how to deal with it.

All of these statistics have in some way described me at some point in my life. And even though I have never physically tried to commit suicide, I have definitely thought about it.

Almost four years ago I remember feeling so trapped inside myself. Menial tasks seemed like treacherous ones, and nothing seemed to take away the pain which grew up strong within my heart. I used to lay in bed with the covers pulled up around my body and hide from the incoming day like a turtle hiding in its shell from a vulture. It was being scared of people, of verbal abuse, loss and an internal loneliness. It was not being able to laugh at something that I knew deserved my infectious laughter, not being able to enjoy food which used to satisfy my unrighteous cravings. Not being able to shed even a single tear during a time in which I have felt some of the most pain in my entire life. Not being able to express myself. Not feeling anything. But most of all at its core, my depression was an overwhelming and terrorizing feeling of invalidity.

Someone once described depression like walking on a slippery road that you think is dry and then losing your balance and not knowing where you are going to end up. Depression is like constantly having an irrational fear of falling without actually hitting the ground. It is being afraid, but not even really knowing what you are afraid of sometimes. It is like pedaling on a stationary bicycle. It’s like going no where. It is extreme paranoia.

And then one day, everything switches back on, and you sort of come back to life again and you push your shameful, dirty, embarrassing laundry under the bed and leave it alone until it starts to stink. And that’s exactly what happened to me. In the spring of 2012, a friend came to me and shared with me a Bible verse that is now tattooed on the side of my right foot.

Isaiah 41:10

“So do not have fear! Do not be dismayed, for I AM YOUR GOD! I will strengthen you and help you, and I will hold onto your with my hands.”

I remember that verse piercing my heart like it was a sharp knife, and for the first time in a while, I was able to feel something again. The Bible says that the “Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow!”~ Hebrews 4:12.

And by golly, it was!

By the power of the Word, I was awoken from the dark and filled up with the Holy Spirit again, and on that very day, I vowed to the Lord and to my friend that I would never take my life.

A year later, I experienced two great relationship losses and once again, I was thrown into a deep trance of suffering due to my acute depression. But this time, it was different. This time, I recognized it. This time, I had come to realize that I had a choice, and for the past year, I had made a conscious choice to overcome the dark cloud over my head, known as acute depression. My mental disorder had become apart of me, but it wasn’t overcoming me.

You see, the problems with Christians sometimes is that we take sins and put them on a scale and then we weigh them. Sometimes we even invalidate them. I like to equate my struggle with depression to that of a straight man struggling with gay addictions. God did not create straight people and gay people. He only created straight people - however,  because of the fall, sin corrupted their hearts. Now, I’m not gay and I’ve never had any struggle with being attracted to the opposite sex, but exactly like a gay, Christian man can marry a straight woman, resist sin and live a happy life, a young, Christian girl struggling with acute depression can overcome its sinful side effects.

As Christians, we need each other. As I sit and study and desperately read God’s Word even as I type this, I am learning that He did not intend for us to go through this life alone and we are all struggling with all kinds of sin.

When I look back on all the times I’ve relapsed, they all have one thing in common: invalidation. And now, thinking on that one simple, but sad fact, I know that this thought has never come from God, because in Christ, we are the exact opposite. We are validated through His blood, and made clean by the forgiveness of our sins. We have been bought with a price and have been given a purpose. This incredible fact is something I have failed to remember so many times.

Some of you know, I lost my job a couple of months ago and as a result, I have forgotten my purpose. I’ve been depressed. Incredibly lonely and hungry for something much greater than a new job. But today, it stops, because my Jesus is greater than even my biggest problems.

And so, if you are struggling with depression, I am sorry for you. I hurt for you. I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there. I get it. But please listen to me. You don’t need pills. You don’t need medication.

You need love.You need Jesus.

“He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might, he increases strength. They who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. And He shall mount them up on wings of eagles, that they shall run and not grow weary, and walk and not be faint.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

I've come to realize that living with depression has only made me a stronger person. It is just another thing I fight everyday and by choice, I overcome it. 

Andrew Solomon said, "The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality. I think that while I hate(d) being depressed, I found a way to love my depression. I love it because it has forced me to find and cling to joy, I love it because each day I decide to cleave to the reasons for living- and that, I think is a highly privileged rapture."