Awake My Soul

If this was a test, I failed. If this was a storm, I got swept up in the eye of it. If the reason I’m wavering is because I chose not to trust You, I’m sorry.

I failed.

For most of my adult life, I have struggled with acute depression, and I suppose with a lot of self-research and fact finding, over the past couple of years, I have diagnosed myself. 

I can probably guess what most of you are thinking. Depression isn’t real. It is something that people blame to avoid the consequences of their actions- or depression is a bullcrap psychological excuse for not being able to control your emotions. Depression is only really a problem when it becomes life-threatening.

However, the cold, hard facts are that every day, over 2,000 people commit suicide because of depression. Thousands are embarrassed to admit they have it, and many more don’t even know how to deal with it.

All of these statistics have in some way described me at some point in my life. And even though I have never physically tried to commit suicide, I have definitely thought about it.

Almost four years ago I remember feeling so trapped inside myself. Menial tasks seemed like treacherous ones, and nothing seemed to take away the pain which grew up strong within my heart. I used to lay in bed with the covers pulled up around my body and hide from the incoming day like a turtle hiding in its shell from a vulture. It was being scared of people, of verbal abuse, loss and an internal loneliness. It was not being able to laugh at something that I knew deserved my infectious laughter, not being able to enjoy food which used to satisfy my unrighteous cravings. Not being able to shed even a single tear during a time in which I have felt some of the most pain in my entire life. Not being able to express myself. Not feeling anything. But most of all at its core, my depression was an overwhelming and terrorizing feeling of invalidity.

Someone once described depression like walking on a slippery road that you think is dry and then losing your balance and not knowing where you are going to end up. Depression is like constantly having an irrational fear of falling without actually hitting the ground. It is being afraid, but not even really knowing what you are afraid of sometimes. It is like pedaling on a stationary bicycle. It’s like going no where. It is extreme paranoia.

And then one day, everything switches back on, and you sort of come back to life again and you push your shameful, dirty, embarrassing laundry under the bed and leave it alone until it starts to stink. And that’s exactly what happened to me. In the spring of 2012, a friend came to me and shared with me a Bible verse that is now tattooed on the side of my right foot.

Isaiah 41:10

“So do not have fear! Do not be dismayed, for I AM YOUR GOD! I will strengthen you and help you, and I will hold onto your with my hands.”

I remember that verse piercing my heart like it was a sharp knife, and for the first time in a while, I was able to feel something again. The Bible says that the “Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow!”~ Hebrews 4:12.

And by golly, it was!

By the power of the Word, I was awoken from the dark and filled up with the Holy Spirit again, and on that very day, I vowed to the Lord and to my friend that I would never take my life.

A year later, I experienced two great relationship losses and once again, I was thrown into a deep trance of suffering due to my acute depression. But this time, it was different. This time, I recognized it. This time, I had come to realize that I had a choice, and for the past year, I had made a conscious choice to overcome the dark cloud over my head, known as acute depression. My mental disorder had become apart of me, but it wasn’t overcoming me.

You see, the problems with Christians sometimes is that we take sins and put them on a scale and then we weigh them. Sometimes we even invalidate them. I like to equate my struggle with depression to that of a straight man struggling with gay addictions. God did not create straight people and gay people. He only created straight people - however,  because of the fall, sin corrupted their hearts. Now, I’m not gay and I’ve never had any struggle with being attracted to the opposite sex, but exactly like a gay, Christian man can marry a straight woman, resist sin and live a happy life, a young, Christian girl struggling with acute depression can overcome its sinful side effects.

As Christians, we need each other. As I sit and study and desperately read God’s Word even as I type this, I am learning that He did not intend for us to go through this life alone and we are all struggling with all kinds of sin.

When I look back on all the times I’ve relapsed, they all have one thing in common: invalidation. And now, thinking on that one simple, but sad fact, I know that this thought has never come from God, because in Christ, we are the exact opposite. We are validated through His blood, and made clean by the forgiveness of our sins. We have been bought with a price and have been given a purpose. This incredible fact is something I have failed to remember so many times.

Some of you know, I lost my job a couple of months ago and as a result, I have forgotten my purpose. I’ve been depressed. Incredibly lonely and hungry for something much greater than a new job. But today, it stops, because my Jesus is greater than even my biggest problems.

And so, if you are struggling with depression, I am sorry for you. I hurt for you. I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there. I get it. But please listen to me. You don’t need pills. You don’t need medication.

You need love.You need Jesus.

“He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might, he increases strength. They who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. And He shall mount them up on wings of eagles, that they shall run and not grow weary, and walk and not be faint.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

I've come to realize that living with depression has only made me a stronger person. It is just another thing I fight everyday and by choice, I overcome it. 

Andrew Solomon said, "The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality. I think that while I hate(d) being depressed, I found a way to love my depression. I love it because it has forced me to find and cling to joy, I love it because each day I decide to cleave to the reasons for living- and that, I think is a highly privileged rapture."

Broken Crayons Still Color

During a recent interview with a co-star from Hollywood’s new dramatic film, Fury, Ellen DeGeneres said, “No matter how you’re reaching for it, everybody is trying to fill themselves up in some way. You’ve got to find out what that is  . . . to figure what [it] is that makes you feel whole.”

For those of us who grew up in the mid to late 90s, we knew him as a gangly, troublemaking, misfit teenager, who starred in Disney’s hit television show series, Even Stevens. But our parents might recognize him better from movies like Transformers and Disturbia.

Fans, friends and family might tell you that Shia LaBeouf’s acting career has been on quite the rollercoaster ride over the course of the past decade.

After being arrested more than three times over the last six years for misdemeanors including drunk driving and assault, LaBeouf told Ellen he has finally found a salvation.

A few months ago, LaBeouf decided he would publically apologize to his fans in L.A. for his criminal acts by allowing them to say, as well as do, whatever they wanted to him. After person upon person and fan after fan talked with him, LaBeouf became a little surprised by the acceptance and “forgiveness” he was receiving.

“It was very human.” LaBeouf said about his fans’ reaction to his ‘public apology’. “I got into this industry cause I had this void . . . so I thought being good at being an actor would somehow fill that void . . . a lot of entertainers are this way, and so I think people [his angry fans] just really want to make a mark. I think we suffer from the same thing, which is just a lack of attention and love.”

I read in another article online (separate from Ellen’s interview) stating that LaBeouf has found more than just salvation. He found God.

While it surprises me that a young, good-looking, successful, Hollywood actor has somehow managed to ‘find’ Jesus, it surprises me more that he understands a concept most people struggle to grasp over the course of an entire lifetime.

Here is a man who understands the beauty and magnificence of grace. Of mercy. Salvation and forgiveness.

As Ellen said, we all long for something to fill our empty hearts. To not be lonely. We all desire something to make us ‘whole’ and satisfied. But what if our desire cannot be fulfilled by this passing world?

C.S. Lewis said, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

What if this simple, but mind-blowing statement is in fact the answer? What if the human race focused on laying up treasures in Heaven instead on this world? Would we be satisfied? 

Second Corinthians says, “For this light, momentary affliction [the world] is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond ALL comparison!”

David writes in the Psalms, “Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You!”

And even the prophet, Jeremiah—in the middle of his suffering said, “Oh my God! FOR YOU SATISFY the WEARY and those who are hurting!”

Everyday, I hear stories of friends and family and coworkers looking for that one thing—that one thing to give them hope and comfort and love, maybe even salvation. And I think to myself, why do they not know about a God whose love is deeper than the ocean and more powerful than any amount of money or fame? Why is Christianity such a joke in my society? And worse, why don’t I tell people about Him more? Why don’t I love Him more.

Godliness isn’t a book or a religion or a title or a rule. It is a relationship, a friendship, a shelter; it is a love that cannot be broken by anything. To love God is to be filled up, to have hope; it is to suffer and to be persecuted at times—because He suffered for us. To be a Christian is to be forgiven and to be promised eternal life. It is the ability to lean on the Creator of the universe and to rely on Him, a Being who will never fail at anything. 

Christianity is believing in a God who is able to fix a 'broken' person, a screw-up, a failure. 

And this man-- this once broken and sinful man, who has the world at his fingertips, a pocket full of cash and a big screen career, credits this same God with the power that saved him. 

"As surely as I live, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that I am God." 

Romans 14:11

Warning, Graphic Image: Wake Up America!

I had seen the little yellow Arabic letter that some of my Catholic friends were/are posting as their profile picture on Facebook, briefly skimmed over articles about ISIS and the killing of Christians in Iraq and the Middle East, but I didn't fully understand the sheer brutality and utter wickedness of what is truly going on right now on the other side of the world until I saw this picture. 

Source: www.catholic.org
Islamists killing a woman by slitting her throat and capturing her blood in a bowl, holding her firm as her life literally drains from her neck. Such forms of execution are intended to intimidate others.

Now I know my audience isn't as large as per say Catholic Online, but the fact is, people should be aware of what is happening- and that is one of the biggest reasons for this post. Right now. Everyday. And we should care about it. Are millennials and those a few years older oblivious and apathetic to vile, current events such as this one because we are simply uninformed? Or is it because our generation has become numb to society, religion and politics in general? Or could it be because we grew up in American classrooms which banned prayers and the Bible? Is it because as children, we were told to put our heads under the blankets of liberalism and ignore the fundamental rights which were fully endowed to us by our Creator? Could it be because the Lord's name has been taken out of the pledge of allegiance and used as fowl language instead? Has the importance of religion and God been swept under the rug by our parents and leaders of our country? 

The picture above hits home to me for so many reasons. This unnamed woman is a young, Christian woman just like me. She had a family, a home, a life. But more than that, she gave her life so people would know our Almighty Lord is worth a violent death. 

Pictures such as this one, though terrifying to view, should be viewed. How else are hearts supposed to break for these people? What other way is there to light a fire beneath our complacent asses and finally take a stand for what is right? How else are we supposed to comprehend the sanctity of life, or the immeasurable, uncontainable value of the very God that is worth dying for? 

Elizabeth Elliot once said, "There is nothing worth living for, unless it is worth dying for. One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime."

As Christians, we are called to stand away from the darkness and be a light in the world. 

"You are the salt of the earth, but if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again . . ?" (Matthew 5:13a) 

If we lose our morals as a "Christian" nation, what then will we have to stand on? And if we continue to accept and allow our national genocide of unborn children, won't we eventually begin to accept our own Christian holocausts and the removal of American, civil rights? If we, as a nation lose our saltiness, how will we become salty again?

We must not so easily surrender what our forefathers fought so valiantly for. We must stand on our faith, no matter what the cost. 

So help give the next generation a fighting chance at holding onto their God-given liberties. 

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. 

Would it be Jesus?

Who are you at your core?

Who are you when no one's looking?

Who are you when you're all alone and you have no one. Who are you when it's just you. Just you and an open road ahead. Just you and a big dream on the brink of a horizon.

People always tell me that you are what you have.

As Americans, we live in the richest, most free country in the world. We have no idea what "poor" means. Even the poorest man in this country has some opportunities, especially now in this day and age. We have the luxury of clean and running water, indoor plumbing and even things like wifi- which we take for granted every single day.

If you're on the "richer" side of life, you have both of your arms. Both of your legs. All your toes, and all your fingers. You can see out of both your eyes, or you have working glasses or contacts that help you to see the birth of your first child, the beauty of a woman, movies, or even simple things like a sunset, crafted by the Ultimate Creator of all things beautiful.

Maybe you even have a car. Or a job. A college degree. A home. A dream to be "successful".

Maybe you are married. Maybe you're not. Maybe you're divorced. Maybe you've been brokenhearted. Maybe you're lonely.

What do you have? Who are you?

Lately I've been thinking about what is most important to me. What makes me happy. All that God has given me. Who am I. And what would I be if all of that was taken away.


What am I when no one else is around to encourage me, or take care of me. When it feels like there aren't any shoulders to lean on, and no one to laugh with. When it's just me and a puppy at my feet in the dark. We've all been there. We've all been lonely. Confused. Felt sorry for ourselves. Or compassionate for someone else. Cared too much, or not enough. Loved and lost, or decided not to love at all.

So what is it. What do you take pride in? What do you hold closest to your heart? What is important to you? What is it that drives you everyday and makes you wake up every morning?

And if those things were stripped away from you, what would be left? What would you have to lean on?

Would it be Jesus?

"Noah": Hollywood's Most Recent Derision of Christianity

From the talking rock monster angels to the beasts that were killed and eaten on the ark, Hollywood's new motion picture and derivative of one of the most famous Old Testament stories, Noah, is nothing short of a blasphemous joke on Christianity.

For the most part, I am not a fan of movies about Christianity or the Bible; one, because they're usually horribly depicted, and two because Christian directors and producers hire some of the worst actors out there. But when I first saw the trailer for Noah, I was instantly curious. Perhaps it was because growing up, the story of Noah and the ark was one of my favorite Bible stories, or because Emma Watson just happens to be one of my all time favorite actresses- (Russell Crowe isn't too bad himself).

Either way, probably like most Christians young and old, I wanted to see what spin Hollywood would take on this one particularly amazing Bible story.

I sat through the movie, most of the time on the edge of my seat, wondering what was going to happen next. It was somewhat thrilling and strangely enchanting in some scenes; it was an average story about a man built an ark to protect himself and his family from a storm. In the movie, Noah is portrayed as the man in control, an evil man at times who tells his family that they will bury each other once the storm is over because there cannot be any "sinfulness" in the new "Eden" and all of mankind must come to an end. But when Noah and his family are on the ark, Shem's lover, Eila, becomes pregnant. Noah makes a promise to the couple that he will kill the baby if it is a girl and the family develops a hatred for him and his two oldest sons even revise a plot to kill him. Of course, Eila gives birth to not just one, but twin baby girls, and Noah decides to disobey 'The Creator's' command to kill them and spares their little lives.

While watching the movie, I tolerated the talking rock monster angels who protected Noah and his family from Cain's distant relative and his army of meat-eating evil men.

"Rock Monster"

I didn't mind the story line of how Eila became Shem's mate or even wise old Grandfather Methuselah's giving of the seed to Noah to help him grow a forest to build an ark. While some of this never happened in history, from a non-Christian's point of view it made the movie a little more interesting.

However, Hollywood crossed the line as soon as they made the two biggest characters in the story of Noah and the ark look like two heartless villains. For the majority of the movie, I found myself hating Noah, and worse, wondering who in the world 'The Creator' was and why he was allowing innocent people to die.

First of all, the Bible says Noah was a righteous man, and that he was chosen to build the ark because he refused to follow the wicked ways of the world. He loved God and he was faithful to Him.

Genesis 6:9b says, "Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time and he walked faithfully with God."

We are given the story of Noah and the ark in the Bible for many reasons, but in my opinion, the most important one is to recognize the importance of obedience. In those days, rain was unheard of, let alone a flood that was going to be big enough to kill every living thing on the planet. God commanded Noah to do something that was crazy to almost everyone around him, but Noah humbly obeyed the Lord anyway. Although he was a sinner, Noah was not evil, he was a patriarch; his faithful story was amazing enough to be recorded down in a book to be preserved for more than two thousand years. Noah was a good man, a man that God deemed as righteous, and an example for Christians to follow. 

But Hollywood couldn't just stop there. God ('The Creator') had to be mocked too. You never see this mysterious creator and you never hear his voice in the movie. He doesn't answer to Noah when he prays to him. So for all we know as the audience is that the creator is probably number one, evil because he let innocent people be slaughtered by the flood and other ways and number two that he is not the controller of the universe because he allowed Noah to make most of the decisions as well as undermine him most of the time. The Creator quickly became the idiot.

To me it's not a coincidence that Noah was regarded as the mean girl in the movie and God was viewed as distant and unsympathetic towards mankind. Why wouldn't Hollywood do that? Why would they want to make God and an incredible Bible story look anything but good?

I always think that maybe these movies will help the cause of Christianity, not hurt it. Or perhaps if someone sees a movie like this, it will plant a seed in them which will cause them to desire to read God's Word.

Hollywood took the beautiful story of Noah and violently twisted it into a tragedy. It was like watching a fairy tale have an ending that wasn't "happily ever after" or seeing the bad guy win. It was taking the truth of the Gospel and turning it into something evil and diminishing.

 It's not a happy film, it doesn't make you feel good. It doesn't teach you or inform you of any truth or "moral" to the story. It does nothing except for make our God look like a peon to millions of people who will sit in comfy seats at the movie theater for the next month and a half or so.

How sad that Hollywood has resorted to insulting God through Bible stories, which by the way, need no embellishments to be entertaining and enchanting and life-changing. How dare they take a sacred, biblical truth and turn it into heresy. How dare they take an Almighty God and display Him as evil.

Sheesh. If you're going to try to re-tell a story, why not tell it the way it was told?

What College Taught Me

To my parents- the two people who have sacrificed more than I could ever imagine to give me the best life and the best four years I could have ever had. I love you Mom and Dad. 

People always say that your four years at college should be the greatest four years of your life, but if you would have told me four years ago what my college experience would be like, I would have never believed you.

Oh the last four years-- what a wild ride they've been. How much I've learned. How I've grown from a clueless, invincible 18-year-old into a confident, independent, young woman.

Freshmen Year 

Oh how faithful the Lord has been to me. How He has ordered every step I have taken.

College. What has it been like. What has it taught me.

When I think about college, I think of ridiculous math classes I had to take, and I remember silently cussing at my math book in the library when I couldn't figure out a problem. I think of all the blood, sweat and tears I spent staying up all night writing papers for English, studying the human body for biology class, speeches I gave that made the hair on my back stand up because I was so nervous to give them.

When I think about the last four years, I think of all the hardships I have gone through. My freshman year of college, I remember packing up all the baby pictures of my brother and I that my mom stored in a cabinet beneath the bookshelves my dad built in the little yellow house I grew up in. I remember thinking how my family would never spend another Christmas in that house and how upset I was that the bank was foreclosing it. I think back to my sophomore year when my dad didn't have very much work, and how I had to get a job working 30+ hours a week serving tables just to pay rent so I could go to school. I think about when I fell into depression, and I remember thinking of all the ways I could take my life. I remember hating God. I remember all the sleepless nights I spent weeping and praying after my boyfriend of two and a half years broke my heart. I remember how scared I was one summer night when I got a call that my brother's best friend had tried to commit suicide. I remember laying in a full size bed at my cousin's house with my three best friends in the world with a laptop, desperately trying to fall asleep to Jesus music at three in the morning after Faith died. I think back to last year when my parents made the decision to leave the church we have attended since I was 12 years old.

When I look back on the last four years, I remember all the good times. I remember the day I met my cousin Charles for the first time and wondering how I had lived the last 18 years without knowing him. I remember winning 1st place for having the best costume at an 80's ice skating competition.

Erica & I
October 2010

I remember taking a trip to an apple orchard in the middle of the mountains and running barefoot through the corn fields playing hide-and-go-seek. I remember getting an email from the Dean of the Communications department explaining how impressed he was with an article I had written for the school newspaper.

I remember free-styling with my violin on stage with some random group of musicians to the Red Hot Chili Peppers at a little club downtown Lynchburg. I remember getting my first tattoo at the most ghetto tattoo shop I've ever seen in my life and not being able to walk on my foot for a week.

Isaiah 41:10 "Do not fear, for I am with you always, I am your God,  I hold you with my righteous hand"

I remember peeing my pants from laughing so hard when Candace and I broke into the laundry mat after curfew just to rescue our clean clothes. I remember the spring break I spent in Miami with a group of friends and double dog daring them to go skinny dipping in the ocean after dark. I remember how excited I was when I adopted my six-month-old puppy from the Humane Society and the day I decided to name her after the bakery I always wanted to go to which was next door to my apartment.

Stella, 6 mons

 I remember feeling like a giddy little school girl after touching Jon Foreman's hand at a Switchfoot concert. I remember crashing a wedding with my best friend and dancing to country music all night with him under the most star-filled sky I've ever seen.

When I look back on my last four years at Liberty, I think of all the times I was discouraged or felt lonely; all the times I felt scared or hurt or broken. But then I remember. I remember every time I jumped just a little too low, every time I missed my chance, and every time I lost my temper- every time I lost a friend or failed a test, every time I felt guilty and powerless before God, He never failed to pick me up and take my hand. His love never failed to cover my sin, and His mercy never refused to forgive me.

Yes, college taught me trigonometry. It taught me reading and writing- it improved my thinking skills and gave me an idea of what a Christian worldview should be. It taught me how to follow a seating chart, and how to be responsible. College let me understand the definition of a "deadline" and "motivation".

But it doesn't stop there and college didn't just teach me how to be a television journalist.

College taught me how to love. College taught me how to forgive. College taught me about myself. College taught me how to be a hard worker. It taught me how to save money. It taught me how to survive on  Ramen Noodles and chocolate milk. College taught me how to laugh and how to cry. It taught me I am weak and it taught me I am stronger than I think I am. College taught me not to be a planner- to go with the flow. College taught me that I love being independent, and I love my family more when I miss them. College taught me how to be humble. College showed me what I am capable of.

But most of all, college taught me that no matter what happens, no matter if your heart is broken or if it's pieced together with superglue, no matter who loves you, no matter who hates you, no matter if you're happy or sad, no matter if you're marked by your RA as the "rebellious one" or the "religious one", no matter if it's raining or shining, Jesus will never stop being faithful and His love will never run out.

College taught me to trust Him. I'm so thankful for that.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in the path of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me, Your rod and staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Paralyzed: A Love Story

I kept looking at my phone every two minutes to make sure I knew what time it was. The sound of my fingernails clicking on my wooden desk echoed throughout the classroom. Everything my professor said seemed to go in one ear and out the other. All I wanted to do was get out of there . . . the only thing I wanted to do was run, and it really didn't matter where. All I wanted to do was escape. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.  It was three thirty on a Friday afternoon and I couldn't believe I was still in class, or why.

"I want to show you a short video," she said. Prof Miller's soft voice was making me sleepy.

"I want to show you a video explaining a why factor," she continued. "So many times we focus on what is at hand, that we lose sight of why we do what we do in the first place."

What a mouthful, I thought. She didn't seem to be making any sense and she couldn't have been more confusing. I didn't have anything better to do, I was still a prisoner of the classroom, so instead of falling asleep, I decided to pay attention to the video she was about to show.

"He's not a normal teacher. Everybody loves him." A boy about 16 years old began, "He's the epitome of what a great teacher should be like."

A man referred to as "Mr. Wright" was now on screen- and his arm was on fire. You see, Mr. Wright is a high school science teacher.

 

 "I've been on my own since I was 15 years old. Mr. Wright knows that. He's someone I have been able to tell things to, I can trust him. And I know he cares about his students," a young girl said.

The camera was back on Mr. Wright and this time he was shooting a potato through a pipe across a field.

"I've heard everything from, 'Mr. Wright, I'm pregnant' to 'Mr. Wright, I ran away from home'. I've seen things most people don't even know go on in a young person's life. Some of these kids are just wanting to be loved on, they're different- and that's why one size doesn't fit all inside my classroom," the science teacher said.

I was already intrigued by Professor Pam's video, and I remenisiced about my high school days. Mr. Wright reminded me of my biology teacher I had my sophomore year. But I still couldn't find out what was so special about this guy. What was the underlying reason for his incredibly caring heart? He had a passion for reaching out to high school kids. So what. A lot of teachers do. That's why they're teachers. But I continued to watch.

The interview with Mr. Wright suddenly took a new angle when he began to talk about his family.

"I have two kids," he started. My daughter is 15 going on 25. She's your normal teenage girl, you know, she gets embarrased when I give her a kiss goodbye, and she thinks I am the world's dumbest dad. But I love her to pieces just like any father would," he went on, "And then there's Adam. I was so excited when I found out my wife was pregnant with a boy. It was like I had the best of both worlds. I couldn't wait to go to ball games and thow a football, you know, do men stuff with my son someday," he paused.

"But when Adam was born, he was breathing 180 times a minute. That's more than three times a second. Adam was born with a rare disease similar to cerebral palsy. The doctor told us he was completely blind, and he would never be able to control any muscle in his body. My son has a perfect mind. He can think and he has the ability to learn, but he cannot control the muscles in his body. Sometimes Adam punches himself so hard he bleeds. If he falls out of bed in the middle of the night and I'm not there to help him back up in bed, he'll lay flat on the floor all night long until morning."

It was so quiet in the classroom now that you would have been able to hear a pin drop.

"For a long time, I was pissed at God. I didn't undersand why He would give me a son who couldn't talk to me, who would never be able to stand on his own two feet by himself. I got so angry. . . until this one day when I walked in on my daughter sitting in her room with Adam propped up against the side of one of her dolls. I asked her what in the heck she was doing, and she simply replied, 'Playing with Adam, Daddy'. How was she playing with Adam when he couldn't even  see her, I thought. And then I understood. My daughter was holding up a dollar bill and she was telling Adam to hit it. And he hit it every time. Every single time. . . which meant that Adam couldn't be blind. We decided to teach Adam sign language. And I'll never forget the day he signed this to me."

It was the weirdest thing, I had just learned the sign for "daddy" in sign language class the day before.

"It means, 'Daddy, I love you," Wright said, tears flowing down his cheeks as he continued to tell the story of his son for his students.

If I was holding back the tears before, I wasn't now.

The b-roll continued to show this man caring for his 12-year-old handicapped son. Changing his diapers, and feeding him. Loving him. It was a picture of a completely average man, loving his son in the most incredible way. And that's what broke me.

I finally understood why. I saw a glimpse of what unconditional love looks like- and I felt it. Here was a father who was given a son who could never tangibly repay him- who would never be able to throw a football, or wrestle, who would never be able to tell him all the ways he loved his dad.

I felt my chair sinking to floor. And I thought about all the ways Mr. Wright's story symbolized the story of the cross. How little I felt. How small and irresponsible I am.  How many times I fail, but His blood still covers a multitude of sins. How paralyzed and worthless I am without His forgiveness. How the Lord doesn't need me for a second, but still, He loves me.

Sometimes, what it is we care for, or what we love isn't everything. It's why. Why do we love? Why do we forgive? Why do we do what we do? Is it because we're supposed to? Is it because we can gain something back from who or what we love or forgive?

Mr. Wright's story is something amazing. But how much greater is our Father's love for us?

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end." Lamentations 3:22